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From this point on, all postings of pictures of waffles will be considered a personal invitation.
I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.