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Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.