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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.