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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.