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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.