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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.