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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?