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“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
REPOSTED~WARNING~PLEASE READ! If someone comes to your door and asks you to remove your clothes,and dance with your arms in the air...~DO NOT DO THIS....~It is a SCAM~...They just want to see you naked....I wish I had known this yesterday....I feel so stupid now
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>