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There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.