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I just made you think of an elephant
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.