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So I´ve narrowed it down and I´m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
You`re the one who wore a red and yellow scarf to class. So don`t look at me weird for shouting "10 points for gryffindor" when you answer questions cause I know you wanted this. -Bfanch
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.