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I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
Iām beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
This patience thing takes forever.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.