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I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
I do what I want, when I want, where I want. If my wife says it`s okay.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.