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Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it`s Wednesday.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.