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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
Without coffee, Iām just a really tall 2 year old.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.