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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.