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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.