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How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.