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They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing