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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.