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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?