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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
I order all my food with extra gluten.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
I do not gossip ... I pass things along ... It`s like a public service.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
I think eating is my kind of sport.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.