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Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"