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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
Happy people don`t take long showers.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.