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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.