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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
My mom says I`m special.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.