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It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
I`m not naughty ... I`m mischievously creative
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.