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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
Wine: How classy people get trashed.
if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”