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Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.