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Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.