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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they