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Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
According to Facebook, some people I don`t remember are grilling this weekend.
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.