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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
You do realize everyone can see your status right?
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!