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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
ROFL!!ā¦.. LOL jk iām still in my chair.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.