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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.