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Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
If you ever need anything please don`t hesitate to ask someone else first.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.