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Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
thinks we need to think like a first grade teacher and separate Romney and Gingrich next time they debate!
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, Iām calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.