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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
So how long before GoFundMe is our nation`s leading health care provider?
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
High-five a veteran today.
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.