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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
I`m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)