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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.