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I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?