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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
"You only live once. LOL JK!" ~ the cat
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.