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why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
How do I tell a man he loves me?
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`