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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?