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First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
The best things in life require no pants.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.