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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
I’m in no shape to exercise.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.