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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I`ll keep you posted......
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!