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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
I grew up for this?
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."