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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew*
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.