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Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
Do me a favor if someone tells you they don`t like me , tell them I don`t like them either.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.