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Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
I look so young for my rage.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.