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It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
High-five a veteran today.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.