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A world without women would be a pain in the a$$.
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.