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If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
Settle down homemade play dough parents.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.