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What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
Running behind is my cardio.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.