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"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.