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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Video Game usage, but before the Book Report Procrastination provision and the No Face Piercings, Ever Amendment , you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: "the boss of you."
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
The older I get the better I used to be.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.