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If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat