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My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.