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10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
I may look calm, but in my head I´ve punched you in the face 3 times already!
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.