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I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.