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I just called. To say. I texted you.
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.