Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.