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¦It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
The only clubs I’m into are sandwiches.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.