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When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.