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I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
I just lost my mood ring, I don`t know how I feel about that.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."