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You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?