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First fart at my new job.
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.