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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
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Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
“I saw that.” -Karma
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!