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It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.