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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.