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"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.