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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!