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You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.