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I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.