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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
Two Best Advices For Safe Life : 1. Always Speak The Truth, No Matter How Bitter Harsh It Is ... 2. Run Immediately After Saying It..
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.