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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
Go to O`Reilly Auto Parts website and type, `121G` in the search bar.
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation