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If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
If you come to myspace and twitter about my yahoo, can I google over your facebook?
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.