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Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.