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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....