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Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about