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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.