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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.