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My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
I am convinced that Kellogg`s works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.