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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.