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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".