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This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!