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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.