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3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?