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The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.