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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.