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Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
I have nothing!
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!