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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
why does a round pizza comes in a square box?
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
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Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.