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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
Hey micky you`re so fine, you`re so fine you blow my mind hey micky! hey micky! Admit it, you didnt read it, you sang it
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.