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The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.