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I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
"what doesnt kill u makes u smaller" -mario Lol
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.