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How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.