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Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.