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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards