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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.