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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
Is it rude to put *vomits* under someone`s post ?
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.