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I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...