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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.