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You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
I just ran a .003048K
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.