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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.