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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.