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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.