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Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
i like boobs
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.