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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"