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Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis