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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
People: What a bunch of bastards!
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
POLITICS; from `poly` meaning `many and `Tics` meaning blood-sucking creatures. Just sayin`
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)