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Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
I never finish anyth...............
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.