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You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
You`re the one who wore a red and yellow scarf to class. So don`t look at me weird for shouting "10 points for gryffindor" when you answer questions cause I know you wanted this. -Bfanch
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?